Healing

First of all, healing is not linear. It is a messy road that sometimes feels too painful to walk down, it can feel brutal and often people just feel that they do not the strength to continue with it. I understand that. But for me the pain I was carrying was so heavy I had no choice but to keep going. I was already keeping myself awake at night with my torture reels playing on a continuous loop. All the people that had hurt me, all the abuse that I had suffered and all the shame I was carrying. Shame that was not mine to hold.  

I was burnt out, suffering with illness after illness and feeling that I was carrying a backpack full of boulders on my back. Yet still getting up everyday to go to work, which at the time was as a carer for people with Dementia. I was also a single parent to my young son.

I had received counselling via the NHS  years earlier when I first became ill. This was only six sessions, and I did not get to choose my counsellor, so I did not feel that it helped. I cannot stress how important it is to have the correct therapist. In my opinion it is the key to healing. In order to heal we need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and in order for us to be vulnerable we need to feel safe. Trust builds safety.

When I started my counselling training I had to have thirty hours of personal counselling. The counsellor that I choose was very lovely and gave me a safe space in which to talk about how I felt. It helped me in a lot of ways, but they never told me about trauma and trauma symptoms.  

I have always loved to study and took any opportunity I could to learn something new. So, I started to educate myself in trauma. I read every article I could, I searched the internet for information and started attending training courses and workshops.

I went inwards and started to record what I was feeling in my body. Every intrusive thought, every feeling, every pain, everything! I started to identify what situations triggered me and why. I became my own detective. I started to do shadow work and went to the places that I was truly terrified of.  I have always had an inner strength, and this is what got me through those dark days when I wanted to end my life. And there were many of those days, but I just kept going. I never gave up. I couldn’t go back so I had to keep pushing and pushing myself.

And you know what? One day I woke up and thought “Holy fuck. I have healed myself”I am not saying that I don’t still get triggered at times but this lasts minutes not days. I know myself so well that I can ground myself instantly.  I have rewired my nervous system and the things that used to scare me have no power anymore. The bad men have gone.

I want to point out that there is no quick fix for dealing with trauma, abuse, depression etc. It takes time but if you want to live your best life it will be the best time you invest in yourself. It took me over 10 years to reach the point where I felt truly safe, but each year got better and better.

When you are ready to start your own healing journey the best advice I can give is take some time to decide what type of counsellor you want. Look at their profiles, how do they work? What are they most experienced in? What is it you want from your therapy sessions? Ask for a consultation first and ask questions! Also do not be afraid to find someone else if you decide on a therapist and then do not feel a connection to them.

Go inwards. Get to know yourself so well that it becomes your superpower. Keep a diary and record your symptoms. Write down places, people, situations and how you felt. Pretty soon you will start to see a pattern of your triggers and symptoms. And lastly don’t give up. I know it’s hard and sometimes the darkness can take over but it when you truly allow yourself to walk in the blackest places that you get to see the light.

Love

Jenny x