My Story

I am not an expert. I am not. When I am out on a job I will often get introduced as an expert and I find myself looking around the room to see who they are talking about. I often get clients asking me what I think they should do. I never tell them. Why? Because I am not an expert on them. They are their own expert; they just don’t know it yet.

 What I am an expert on is me. I know my strengths and weaknesses. I know my triggers. I know my experiences and how they have shaped me. I know when I am feeling angry, sad, overwhelmed, confused and grief stricken. Some days I get imposter syndrome. That little gremlin in my head that tells me you should not be here, who do you think you are? You do not know what you are doing, people are going to find you out! Run away!

But I don’t. That little gremlin is my shadow self, the one that was abused and hurt and neglected. The one who never had her needs met and put others before herself. The one that was ashamed. The one that was told that she would not amount to anything, that she was worthless. At the age of 44 I am now good friends with my shadow self. That version of my younger self got me through my worst times, the times when I wanted to give up and stay in bed with the covers over my head. When I wanted to scream and shout and smash things! (I have had so many mugs that I could have opened a shop!)  The times that my depression got so bad, the idea of ending my life filled me with peace. If she would have decided that she could not cope any longer than I would not be where I am today. She never gave up.

 My trauma response is to run away. Sometimes physically but mostly mentally. I now realise that I have spent most of my life running away. Sure, I could sit with other people, be in their pain but I had buried mine so deep that I forgot it was there. This means that I have not taken opportunities to be seen, I have not let people into my life and that I have spent so much of my time on my own.  

I have started this blog as it is time to share my experiences with others. When I did my counselling training I was told not to share. To only self-disclose if it is beneficial for the client. But there have been so many times when I wanted to say “I know it hurts, I understand because I have been there also”

I am hoping that this will reach the people it is meant to and will give them some hope that things can get better. 

Love and light

Jenny x