Self Care

I feel called to write today. I feel like crap. I know that I am triggered because I want to run away. I want to bury my head under my duvet and not come back out. I feel exposed, scared, angry and physically unwell. My chest feels like it has a brick in it, I have a headache, and I feel exhausted.

I know myself well enough to understand why I feel this way. I am feeling out of control at the moment, and this is one of my biggest triggers. This comes from the sexual and emotional abuse that I suffered when I was a child. During that time, I felt alone, confused, and terrified, so control was something that I used to hold on so tightly to for 30+ years of my life. 

But control left me with burn out and unhappiness, so I had to let it go. Most of the time I can manage it well but today I cannot and that is ok. I know that this is the younger me who is screaming for help and so I am I going to honour her and sit with her. I have taken myself out for a walk, listened to my music and meditated. I have rescheduled my work, cooked myself some nice food and will take care of myself.

So, this is self-care, something I was not familiar with until recent years. The younger version of me would have powered through because she thought she had to. She was so consumed with shame that she thought stopping made her bad. She thought she had to people please and care for others. She thought that dropping everything and running to whoever called gave her self-worth. She was the carer, the rescuer and the one that everyone could rely on. But where did that leave me? Lonely, depressed, physically unwell.

So today I rest. I now understand that resting and putting myself first is essential. I cannot help others if I am triggered. I have chosen to spend my life helping others and this is still something I am so passionate about, but I have to put myself first. And that is OK.

Love and light.

Jenny X